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Journal of a singer

It would be a lie if I would start by telling you that I’m super laid back as an individual, that I go with the flow, and whatever happens, happens. I have my moments; I strongly believe you create your own life the way you want it to be. If I were to describe myself, I would say that I am a fighter, and just like anybody, I sometimes feel tired, weak, and vulnerable. I am hard on myself physically and mentally because part of me believes that I am not living the life I am supposed to live. Well, it’s getting better, but boy, I have worked and worked at it! My first love has always been music. At first, it was my escape, but then it became my safe space where I could breathe, where I could be, and where I could let go. I wanted it to be my life, but just like your first love, I felt like I didn’t know how I could live with it. What was once a place of total freedom and bliss now became the pursuit of perfection. Of course, there is no perfect song, but there is the feeling of having the melody perfectly fitting the chord progression and the perfect line of instruments, overlapping one another like a glove to a hand. I wanted to be a star. Well, that is what I thought. Deep down, I think I just wanted to be seen, heard, respected, and to make a name for myself or, even better, feel wanted. If you are an artist reading this, you know exactly what I mean. The more you are wanted, the more work you will get, and finally, you feel you are good enough. After all, if they want you then you must be important; you must matter. The truth is that I am still on that quest! Not to become famous but to be recognized for my work. My life is work, music, creation, composing, writing; it is controlled to the point that I want it to be amazing. Yet, in my personal life, I think I am a bit different. I know what I want and what I don’t want, yet I still leave space for this unknown. Whatever happens, will happen. In my early twenties, I was longing for connections, relationships, and love. I remember a friend of mine told me, “You will never be single, I don’t think you can handle being on your own”. The funny part is that every big decision I have made in my life was always made alone. I moved countries, I followed my gut and I was always alone, but he was right, I always felt like I needed somebody. I went from one relationship to another for eight years. I then decided that it was time to care about myself.

In society, some families don't like single women after you pass a certain age - well, at least my family - so I had the urge to do what I wanted when I wanted. I met amazing people on my path, on my travels, I had affairs with men that I knew wouldn’t last, but it was all about the moment. Then I was fine; there was no void to be filled in. I was an independent woman with goals, living life fully, enjoying the moment, but really, I made peace with all my expectations. There were voices in my head saying, “What if I am single my whole life? Who would want to be with a strong-minded female singer? You will probably never have kids! Maybe you'll die alone". I let all of that go and thought, so what? So, what if I'm single my whole life? Who is really the happiest? People get divorced anyway! If me being single makes you uncomfortable because you are scared that I might steal your man, then that is your problem, not mine. I'll go find my people. I want to tell you that this story has a happy ending, but I don’t know. I'm still figuring it out. In terms of my love life, once I started to let go, I found my special person who is on my latest podcast episode titled

As for the music, I am holding on. I'm not ready to let go yet. I have a feeling that I will have to do it soon because although things are moving forwards, it feels difficult, and lately, I noticed that the best things that happen to me just happened with no stress. I put the idea out to the universe, I did the work and, without expectations, received exactly what I was looking for.

How does life work for you?

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